Mid-Christmas Break Update from HP02: "I scored big!"

HP02 went to Colorado this Christmas anticipating the "best mother-f*cking christmas ever". This year's holiday got this sarcastic designation for two reasons. First, family drama that was expected to pit parents against children, and second because in a huge lapse of judgement HP02 told her mom she didnt need any christmas presents this year. Idiot! What was I thinking!

The good news is that everyone put aside their differences for Christmas, and we all got drunk and had a great time together. AND, the parents did not heed HP02's rediculous request for no presents (THANK GOODNESS) and bought her an IPod! AND, HotPantsAuntie bought her a triathlon watch- rock out! AND, troubled brother LOVED all gifts given by HP02, especially the "scent of mullet" car freshner and bacon-strip band-aids.
So Far So Good.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas (to those of you who celebrate Christmas) from HP05!! The workouts will start again January 1… Or so I hope…

PS. HP05 and 06 have booked our flights for Steamboat. We are on the same flight with a few other HP's... This should be fun!!!

SCORE: Winter weight = 10; HPO7 = zero

And speaking of the holidays, I hate looking at photos from Christmases past. I always take the egocentric route and think, why the hell was I so fat at the end of last year? I tried the pre-emptive strike this year and in October started a rigorous weight lifting regiment tacked on to a decent cardio program. My arms were looking good, and my face hadn’t taken on its normal wintery bloatedness. But then fie upon fie, one of my darling little middle school brats passed on a wicked cold that sucked the life from me for three weeks and was then followed by a week of grading middle school research papers (lots of red wine required). With only four days left until the holiday photo shoots, I have donned my winter coat. Now I will be no better than the masses that recommit their lives to the gym come January 1 – those same people I can usually look down upon for not having been the gym since March of the previous year. No, I will join their ranks with humility and a side of winter weight. I salute those of you who get to smugly look down upon the January - early March crowd.
Snow reports in Colorado are the best they’ve been in years. Look out Steamboat. . . . . .

Loving' the Holidays!

I apologize for not having posted more lately but as I've been eating only sugar and cookies for the last week I've been on too much of a sugar high to sit still and actually write. (there might also have been a nasty asthma attack that left me hospitalized and bed ridden - but whatever. hmmm - come to think of it i wonder if too much sugar could have caused that? hope not because i'm not done binging yet). I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!

This HP has just made her plane reservation for Steamboat. Yaaahooo!!! There are so many things to look forward to I don't even know where to begin. First, HP03. Everytime she tries a new sport and or tries on clothes i end up crying from laughing so hard. The last time i almost peed my pants (and she was just trying on jeans). I can't even imagine what witty comments she will come up with when not only trying on ski apparel but actually putting herself on skis for the first time! I can't wait! As for the winter carnival - well this is what the Steamboat has to say about it:

"The Steamboat Springs Winter Sports Club, one of the largest and oldest winter sports clubs in the U.S., hosts the 93rd Steamboat Springs Winter Carnival, the oldest continuing Winter Carnival west of the Mississippi. For several days, the entire town is given over to racing, ski jumping, chariot racing, a parade featuring Steamboat’s skiing high school band (the only one in the United States), the famous ski jöring events down Lincoln Avenue, and the spectacular night show featuring the legendary Lighted Man & fireworks display. "

Are you reading this??? Chariot racing???? How awesome is that?!?!?! Now the question is how do I winterize my chariot and get it out to steamboat? I'd love any suggestions or help on that matter, as I plan on not only entering the race but schooling all the other participants in the art ochariotot racing and bringing home the big "W" for the HOTPANTS!!!!
A skiing high school band?! How does one play the tuba while skiing down a hill? That's talent. And then, the "legendary lighted man" - how may I ask do they light this "man" and would they consider a guest lighted woman and where can i apply? I'd look HOT in lights!!!

Now - beyond the carnival festivities, hunting cowboys and skiing they have night TUBING!!!! Need I say more?
I can't wait to be at the base of the MtnSippingng a hot toddy and hunting hot men (think Bode miller ladies!!!) with the cougar herself! MEOW!

Holiday Cheer and Dreams of Snow

A warm well wishes to all HotPants this holiday season! Regardless of what you have planned for the holidays, lets get a proper introduction to what is in store for us in February, at the Winter Carnival in Steamboat Springs Colorado! It could get lengthy, ladies, I havent blogged in a while and this chatty Kathy has a lot to say...

First of all a reliable source has confirmed that Steamboat has had a record amount of snow this year so far! Check out the mountain cam, and all the other goodies on the official website:
http://www.steamboat.com/mtnCam.aspx?CategoryId=20













Now Ladies, Lets not forget that Steamboat is a ranching community, which means the Winter Carnival = Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys! Dudes on horses hauling skiiers, sleds, even people riding shovels thru mainstreet...

Theres a brilliant little tune that sums it up about right:

"I came down from the Cadillac dude ranch, health spa, nestled on the edge of town.
For fourteen days I've been herbal wrapped, mud packed, now I'm bustin' out

Well I thought the wild west wasn't for me,
You walked up like a bow-legged dream
When you said "yes ma'am" I thought I'd scream

Oh, put me in your big ol' pick up truck, Take me to the rodeo
I don't know a thing about broncin' bucks, And I can't do-ci-do
But I can put you back in the saddle, baby
Yeah, stand you up tall
I can put you back in the saddle, baby
Yeah, and that ain't all

Well it must've been the burned-out, new-age coffee-house,
So-called sensitive guys
I never thought a leatherneck, suckin' on a long neck
Could make my temperature rise

But you're so sweet baby, you're so fine,
You bring the barbecue and I'll bring the wine
We'll dance all night 'til your belt buckle shines

Oh, put me in your big ol' pick up truck, take me to the rodeo
I don't know a thing about broncin' bucks, and I can't do-ci-do
But I can put you back in the saddle, baby
Yeah, stand you up tall
I can put you back in the saddle, baby
Yeah, every time you fall

Well, I might be in yuppie funk
You might think I'm a little bit drunk
All I know is a hunk is a hunk!"

Eh hm...but I digress ANYWAY,
Our chateaux is situated just west of Howelson Hill,
where the U.S. Olympic team trains for the ski jumping event.
It is here where the infamous "Lighted Man" skis down at
night with firecrackers shooting off him (and an inside source
has informed me that like most of the people in the crowd watching, he is usually drunk).

The Winter Carnival is good fun, but lets get down to business: the ski mountain. I dont know how many runs there are, but clearly, there is something for everyone. And you never know who your going to meet on the gondola ride up.

Get pumped ladies!! We are going to have a **fan-tasty** time!!

One more done...

Hi All!! Yes, HP05 is back. Now while she, once again, hasn’t been working out in the traditional sense, she has been working out her ‘brain’. Yes, HP05 has just finished another course on her way to a higher educational degree. And her brain HURTS!!!

Also, HP05 was back in her home land, where this is how their brains work.

HP05 HEART's Brett Favre!!!

Mujeres, The Olympics needs HP01

Someone get this girl a ticket to Italy!! I am convinced that HP01 is Team U.S.A.'s secret weapon for getting the gold at the Olympics next year. Her new name should be Picabo Street HotPants!! She was fast, she was smooth, and she made retro gear look HOTT. Seriously. She could have made a hot pink jumpsuit and a side ponytail look hot she was so smokin!!

HP02, on the other hand, hasnt been skiing for 5 to 7 years. While she is from Colorado, she was never properly trained, and really only ever went skiing to pick up dudes and drink beer in the mountains. Not proud of that, just being honest. The good news, however, is that there were no injuries, despite the PACKED slopes (only 3 runs were open!), and it was a fantastic outing overall.

This week it has been back to the gym for this cheating fat ass. Yesterday it was PAINFUL PILATES (warning ladies: if you take too much time off you look like an IDIOT trying to keep up with the class, which is most discouraging), followed by a half hour on the bike. This evening it was a half hour on the eliptical, followed by a good stretching session. HP02 has been suffering from a super sore back, and it was realized yesterday that it has to do with footwear (I wore my super cool shiny knee high boots yesterday). While I am not going to completely forgo the cute high heels, rendering me completely old and cold, I am going to just cut back, for the sake of training.

Bugger

HP04 was outta town for work last week without a computer (got a real slave driver of a boss) and then sick most of the weekend. I also have nothing to report other than having lost my pre christmas weight i think i have put it all back on in a matter of 2 days - stupid chocolate covered popcorn and cookies. Working out? What's that? I'm not sure they'll recognize me at the gym. Have fun at pilates tonight HP01 i'm sure there will be some farting women. Stay classy HP's

SHOUT OUT TO HP02, 04, 05, 06, 07

Are you ladies just too busy to blog? This HP is confused...I thought blogging was part of the "deal."

Man squared.

Ok ladies, for those of you who don't know, Brokeback Mountain comes out this Friday. Mmm...yummy boys on yummy boys. For years men have been telling us we just can't undertsand what is so hot about two ladies together. Well no shit. Nearly all of the gay love stories, or god forbid, gay porn, features highly waxed eyebrows and other levels of removed body hair. Not hot. But Brokeback Mountain gives us the sort of men playing men playing with men thing we've been waiting for.

Thank you Heath Ledger. Thank you Jake Gyllenhaal. Thank you cowboy hats. Thank you scenic vistas - who knew Wyoming could be so sexy.

Finally, women across America will be able to turn to the guys in their lives and say, y'know we always "got" that whole girl on girl thing, we just never had our very own ruggedly handsome case study to drool over.

By the way, I haven't worked out in over a week. HP03 out.

TRI Fuckwit

TRI Fuckwit (tri)(fuk)(wit)
n.

One, usually male, who participates in triathlons and feels compelled to self-promote to other triathletes to the point of making his company walk away to avoid vomiting on her fashionable shoes.

Last night at The Sign of the Whale on M St. HP03 meet an ultimate TRI Fuckwit. While she does not recall his name, she does recall his cheese outfit and receding hairline. Roids.

Despite SB's ever so gracious conversation starter -- asking said TRI Fuckwit about any recent races -- an attempt to bring TRI Fuckwit and HP03 to a common point (Introduce people using thoughtful details, ala Bridget Jones). TRI Fuckwit took that ball and rolled with it...right over the freaking cliff. Conversation went something like this:

"So TRI Fuckwit, have you run any triathlons lately?" asked SB.
"No man, season's over in like September," replied TRI Fuckwit.
"Oh, really. Well how did it..." SB started to ask before being cut off.
"Yeah well I kicked some serious ass and I'm planning some trips to PA for some next year," interjected TRI Fuckwit.
"Well HP03 here is on a TRI team (*SB whispers Cliente Pantalones*) and she, well we, just ran the DC marathon. She literally dragged me across the finish line."
(HP03 thinks SB will surely get some making out for that one and nods with a precariously raised eyebrow for the whole bar to see.)
"Oh yeah," TRI Fuckwit cuts in, "what was your time."
"4 hours and...twenty..." HP03 thinks aloud.
"4 hours 28 minutes and 14 seconds," SB recalls.
"4:28:13," HP03 sticks in.
"Hm. Well mine was 4:45, but that was after a 2.5 mile swim and 100+ mile bike ride so I'll allow myself the extra fifteen minutes."
"Really? Well fuck off," HP03 gives TRI Fuckwit the finger.
"She's nice," TRI Fuckwit retorts.
"Right..." HP03 heads to the bar for beers.

TRI Fuckwit must have disgusted everyone else in the bar as he was later seen trying to freak a poorly dressed chubby girl who really wasn't all that interested.

Trifecta

From the Wonkette....

"Details of the lifestyle Rep. Randy 'Duke' Cunningham financed with bribes continue to unfold. The cars, the houses, the boats, the... furniture. Imagine: a California congressman spent $7000 on antiques, and it's not David Dreier. Makes you suspicious, though, no? Come on, the man's name is 'Duke.' Yet, it appears that the only thing queer about Randy "Duke" Cunningham was his accounting. CorpWatch reports that Cunningham was fond of the ladies, inviting them 'to his yacht. There, two of them told Copley News Service, he would change into pajama bottoms and a turtleneck sweater to entertain them with chilled champagne by the light of his favorite lava lamp.' Cunningham then burbled that he was 'very important,' and told he had 'many leather-bound books,' while his 'apartment smells of rich mahogany'."

Is this guy for real??!?!??! A lava lamp?? Many leather bound books? The smell of rich mahogany?? Nothing gets me turned on like the smell of rich mahogany. It's like a SNL skit. After touching his leather books, and smelling his mahogany they adjourned to the hot tub to dine on goat meat.

HP01 and DenverHotPants this leads me to 3 possible conclusions for the "man" we ran into in Seattle:
1.) Having blocked it out of my memory because I thought of the "man" as just another annoying gnat could this be the "man" we met in Seattle???
2.) More than one man uses the line "I know important people" and/or "I am important." If this is true - who are the women that this is working on???
3.) Duke and Mr. Annoying Seattle have some sort of system, and the "important person" Mr. Annoying Seattle boy was speaking of was the Dukester. In exchange for building the his street cred, the Dukester lets Mr. Annoying Seattle use his lair of love to entertain the stupid women he picks up with that line.

Johnny!

Johnny needs a little face time on the blog. At this point, folks, HP01 is gonna need a few minutes alone with the August 2005 cover of GQ.

"UM, ma'am, I think you're next..."

...the visibly agitated 20-somethinger dude says behind me in the CVS checkout line, as I stand with two large boxes of tampons in my hands and my face buried in the "People Sexiest Men Alive "magazine. HotPants = no shame, ladies, no shame.

Back on the Wagon This week of training has been a long time coming, and it has felt damn good. Tuesday consisted of running the stairs while at work, then elipsing and biking at the gym in the PM. Wednesday was taken off for reasons outside of my control, and now tonight my business partner bailed on yet another meeting, which means I have no choice but to do Cindy Crawford aerobics at home. Cindy: she's strict but fair.

Cougar Eye for the Young Guy I don't know about W, but as far as this HP is concerned, sure, I'll make them think they get to "make their own way", but then once the moment of truth arrives, IM THE BOSS, APPLESAUCE.

Oh no, my trade secrets...